Get Anyone To Do Anything

Never feel powerless again - with psychological secrets to control and influence every situation

Overview

• The title and subtitle for this book make it sound like bullshit. At first glance, it seems to fall into the “sold at all good airports” line of non-fiction, but Lieberman is a doctor, a popular lecturer, and an expert in “human behavior” so deserves hearing out.

• Lieberman wants you to be “able to use the most complete and advanced psychological strategies to enable your mind to become your greatest weapon.”

• Lieberman notes that the book is not full of “tricks” that only work “sometimes on some people.” He says that the book only contains “specific psychological tactics governing human behavior.”

• The book claims to be divided into sections covering:

  • Getting anyone to like you
  • Not being fooled or tricked again
  • Taking control of any situation
  • How to win at any competition
  • How to get the upper hand in difficult situations

Getting anyone to like you

If you want to be successful in life, you often need to get cooperation from other people. And the number one rule for getting people to do what you want is to get them to like you.

• The “law of association” involves pairing yourself with “pleasurable stimuli” so that other people associate you with good things/times/feelings.

• An example is given of implicitly building negative feelings of people you’re exposed to when you’re ill. (Perhaps this explains a common fear of visiting the doctor?)

• Look at people’s faces to see if they’re in a good mood. A genuine smile will involve the whole face, not just the lips.

• Direct eye contact correlates with good mood.

According to Moreland and Zajonc, repeated exposure to any stimulus [..] leads to a greater appreciation and liking (as long as the initial reaction is not negative). [..] This is why companies sometimes advertise just a picture of a product, or its name, without any specific features or benefits of using the product.

• Studies have established that affection is reciprocal. We like those who like us. Lieberman notes that you want to let your “target” know that you like and respect them.

• Lieberman observes that studies have shown if people do not initially like you but gradually come around to liking you, you will stick in their minds for longer and like you more than if they liked you initially. (I have noticed this phenomenon myself in relation to music!)

• We like people who are similar to us and have similar interests.

• Matching posture and movements can be important to build rapport. Matching someone’s speed and style of speech too.

• Studies show that people dislike others more after doing them harm. The key is that even if we are neutral to someone and accidentally harm them, we are wired to dislike them after the incident. Lieberman notes that “this is an attempt to reduce dissonance.” Conversely, we like people more if we do a favor for them (in general).

• We like people who are positive and upbeat, in general.

• Try to talk to people when they’re in a good mood and AVOID them when they’re in a bad mood.

Attractiveness

• If people’s emotions are aroused in a positive way (e.g. rollercoaster, passion, exercise), there is a “transference of state” that transfers to other agents who are involved.

• Eye contact is very important.

• If you want someone to find you attractive, either meet them alone OR take a very attractive member of the opposite sex with you. The “law of association” helps here. (This seems to be a common tip in dating.)

A study by Elaine Walster Hatfield showed that a woman who is introduced to a man will find him more appealing if her self-esteem has been temporarily injured than a woman whose self esteem has not been impaired (Walster Hatfield, 1965).

First impressions

• Smile

• A first impression will affect people’s later judgments of what you say or your other characteristics, even if they are negative they might be viewed more positively if your first impression was good.

• Lieberman notes that smart attorneys will not put their defendant up first but instead a witness or expert who can use positive language first to warm up the jury.

• If you screw up a first impression, “I feel so embarrassed” is supposedly a lifesaver phrase.

Getting the advantage

People want what they can’t have. By constantly making yourself available, you’re actually diminishing your value.

• Lieberman makes an example of how attractive people tend to be paired up because they’re comfortable with each other’s level of attractiveness. He argues that when attractive people date not particularly attractive people, the non attractive member is likely to be very confident.

• Don’t take people for granted, otherwise you will become less interested in them (and then they won’t like you either).

• Introduce elements of uncertainty into all relationships to keep interest strong.

A person likes you based, in part, on how you make her feel about herself.

In negotiations start off very high, even if it’s a little unreasonable. This is important because you will have set the tone. (Bear in mind, you also don’t want to be ridiculously high, because you want to be taken seriously.)

• Lieberman talks about price anchoring. He notes that a photographer who says they work for $100 a day positions themselves at a certain level of the market. A $3,000 a day photographer who charges much less in the end (say $500) makes a different impression.

Appearing calm and confident

• Nervous people will usually not be smiling or breathing regularly and deeply. (Supposedly this is noticeable if someone takes a “very deep breath” every now and then to catch up on oxygen.)

• Maintain good blood sugar levels.

• Long term, practice yoga.

• Smiling can calm you.

Not being fooled or tricked again

Friend test

• To test if someone is a “true friend” you need to look for:
  • Interest (genuine interest in your life)
  • Loyalty
  • Pride (if others are proud of you and your accomplishments and congratulate you heartily)
  • Honesty (if others tell you of your faults sometimes)
  • Respect (willing to give you space, etc.)
  • Sacrifice (will they give something up to make you happy when the occasion fits?)

False alibis

• To check on someone’s alibi, ask a question that introduces a new fact relating to the alibi and see if the other person hesitates.

• An example is given of a woman whose husband says he went to the movies but she is suspicious. She brings up the topic of an accident causing traffic outside the theater and sees how he responds to the conundrum (conjuring the lie).

Bluffing

• Those who refer to how confident they are in situations are typically the insecure ones.

• Secure or determined people are more reluctant to follow through on threats and will seem more solemn.

• Bluffers tend to overcompensate emotionally or rhetorically.

Liars

• Rather than asking people about suspected lies outright, ask for their opinion on a tangential issue and gauge their response.

• If you suspect your husband of cheating, ask his opinions on someone else who you think is cheating.

Real opinions

• To get someone’s real opinion of something, don’t ask them defensive questions. Instead, ask them “what would you have done differently?” or change the terms of engagement slightly.

Taking control of any situation

By changing the things that you do and say to others you’ll change their attitudes and behavior toward you.

• To get someone to take action in any situation:
  • Narrow their options significantly. (Two choices versus 10, etc.)
  • Give a deadline
  • Use the law of inertia or “foot in the door technique” by escalating the magnitude of favors or requests over time (e.g. get someone to do you small favor before a big favor)
  • Give the impression that you “expect” them to do something (e.g. start walking away if you want someone to follow)
  • Make the action seem short and easy (or if you don’t want them to do it, drawn out and difficult!)
  • Provide an “add-on” (like they do in infomercials) as an extra incentive to tip the scales

• To get someone to take your advice, try to make it seem as if they came up with the idea.

• Ensure that your advice is consistent with their world view or opinion. If not, change that first.

• Don’t come across as a know-it-all or big head who people want to deliberately disobey.

• A powerful tool to get someone to follow through on something is to let them know that you believe that they are the type of person who follows through.

• Phrases like “We’ll count on seeing you then, okay?” or “Are you serious?” have been shown in studies to significantly increase later engagement. People like to be consistent in their actions after they agree to something.

• To get a stubborn person to change their mind:
  • Plant a seed by getting them to agree with a general statement that could neturalize their own objection later on, e.g. “Don’t you think that closed-mindedness if such an undesirable trait?”
  • Restrict his options to do what he doesn’t actually want to do. This could lead them to take ownership of the idea to overcome the presented obstacles (e.g. “I’m sure most people would love to go on a picnic but I don’t that we could a) get a park permit on time, or b) decide on what sports play so everyone’s happy, or c) get anyone to cover the phones.”)
  • Change the person’s physiology / get them moving.

• Test someone’s level or type of stubborness by introducing a game of chance (where the odds are very much against you) to them agreeing to the request. If they accept, they’re workable. If they don’t, they are adamant about their opinion.

• To get someone to do you a favor:
  • Ask a long way in advance
  • Do them a favor first
  • State that you have no other options/no-one else to do it (to reduce “bystander apathy”)
  • Wait till they’re in a good mood
• People are more likely to be helpful if they don’t think your success will dent their own self esteem. Present a common enemy or cause to get around this.

Leaders win the trust and support of the people through their identification with them. Do not set yourself apart from the crowd, but remain one of the people in the crowd.

Your vision must be clear, simple, and organized. Nobody likes or is overly inclined to follow complex and disorganized strategies.

Instantly generate the often-elusive and ever-important quality of charisma by making others feel important and special. People follow those who make them feel good about themselves.

• Divisions among people dissolve when there is an opposing outside threat (a common enemy).

How to win at any competition

• You only need to be just ahead of the person in second place to “win.”

• Mentally rehearse.

• Always have a “Plan B.”

• Get the home field advantage. (Consider a fight between a shark and a lion!)

• If you are competent, have more people around to encourage you. If you are not competent, try to compete alone.

• Do the unexpected and give no warning. Deception and surprise are key.

• As soon as you start losing, stop and regroup. If you’re winning or on a streak, increase your amount of play.

Never do anything out of fear. If you need to win then you will lose.

How to get the upper hand in difficult situations

• To get anyone to return your phone call immediately, leave a message of “I appreciate what you’ve done. Please give me a call. I’d like to thank you personally.” Leave messages that promise an implicit reward and are not “work.”

• To make a phone message stand out, ask the secretary/whoever to draw a smiley face or similar doodle next to the message.

• Apologies should be sincere and specific. Specific accounting is effective at reducing a person’s anger.

• Restore an angry/upset person’s sense of dignity.

• If you accidentally insult them, try to immediately globalize it. Example: “I think you’re stupid .. along with everyone else in the damn company.”

• Break bad news with as few negative words as possible. Use short, sweet phrases that are spaced out to take time. Contrast with a worser situation.

• If asking for something back from someone, give a reason why you need it. Note that the person is the kind of person who always tries to do the right thing.

• If you need to say a blunt “no” to something, do so and then ask that person for a favor immediately thereafter. Their refusal will “cancel the debt” of the “no.”

• Use the word “because” when making requests or giving explanations. It’s more convincing.

• To get someone who dislikes you to like you, communicate your respect for this person through a third party who is likely to relay it.

• If a rumor is going around about you, confront whoever started it (if know), humanize yourself in public, and instead of defending or denying the rumor, spread a new but more outrageous rumor than includes the original one (I’m not sure this is a good idea, but hey..)

• If someone is threatening your physical safety, acknowledge their “authority and power” to diffuse their anger. Become upset with yourself rather than them.

• If someone is being angry and verbally abusive, don’t refer to yourself at all. Put all statements in terms of them. “You seem to have having a rough day” vs “I didn’t do anything, don’t talk to me like that.”

• To get people to open up to you, ask very specific questions to clarify situations rather than “How come?” type questions that people don’t want to answer.

• Paraphrase complaints back to people. Match their general mood and approach before becoming more positive. Listen a lot.

A person feels threatened only in areas that he considers the basis for his identity.

• Don’t ask for advice from people who have a stake in the outcome.

• When giving harsh criticism, ensure the other person knows it’s coming from a place of care, not spite or jealousy.

• Criticize acts, not people.

• Criticize in private.

• To get other people to tell you secrets, tell them secrets. Also, get them to tell you about things that are not related to the topic at hand first to open them up.

• Never get defensive when asked a question, no matter how dumb, rude, or crazy it is.

• To an impossible to answer or “cheap shot” question, try: “What answer would satisfy you?” or ask specific questions to pick out their vague definitions.

• If you need time or need to slow down a conversation, throw in slightly nonsensical phrases that are hard to parse so the other person has to pause and think, e.g. “Why are you asking me what you don’t know for sure?”

• Offer a child variations on the activity than a yes/no on whether to do the activity.

This book on Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk. If I got it right, I should get a small cut if you buy a copy, so thanks in advance.

---

Last updated: July 31, 2010 by Peter Cooper